Stevo - Probably, but when you're only looking for something to do until three years from now...well, it has a certain appeal.
Shem - Depends how many other jockey's you're willing to toss under the bus so you can have the biggest cube with the most unhappy underlings.
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Whenever I catch so much as a glimpse of pr0n, I suddenly turn into a sex-crazed barbarian, slashing and clawing my way through whatever and whomever until I find something to put my weiner into. -- Taktix
One of the IT guys who has been helping me out with various things recently, like setting up a new computer and transferring all my data from my old computer, was making small talk with me the other day that was very audible to everyone else in the small room I work in. He asked me within earshot of my coworkers if I've ever tried acid.
Why would you ask someone something like that at work? This guy seems pretty nice and generally smart for an IT person, but that's still awfully risqué small talk to be making at a job. Maybe he doesn't see his crappy IT job as a career, but I certainly can't say the same thing for my position. I mean, even if I had tried it-- as if I'm going to say so in front of my friggin' lab?! "Oh yeah, I love hard drugs!!!! They're the best!!". :P
My company doesn't even hire smokers anymore -- and that's official hiring policy.
Later that same day I overheard him in the cafeteria making a joke about Two Girls One Cup to another female who works in a different lab. Some people are just really clueless I guess.
__________________
A revolution without dancing is a revolution not worth having. - V
UNDERPANTS HAWK
DOES NOT DESIRE YOUR TOUCH
I long for the day that a chimp will ghost-ride someone's boomcar into a lake. - tymac
"First time I've gotten a programming job that required a drug test.
I was worried they were going to say 'you don't have enough LSD in
your system to do Unix programming'."
-- Paul Tomblin
As for me, I got called into my boss's office (with two other guys, so I knew it wasn't a chewing-out) at 4:15pm to be told, "We need to get a quote for new hardware for the web cluster by the end of today"!
Fortunately, that got amended to just "specs" instead of "quote", and actually I'm kind of happy about since it means some real progress is being made, but still.
Yeah, I've already told you about the tentacle porn fan that works IT help desk where I work. For reasons I imagine are similar, he is also quite loud as he assaults you with his outbursts. They sound like carbon copies of each other. Hey, at least he didn't tell you all about how Russian tanks rip off soldier's arms. My guy has had that conversation with me more times than I can count.
There does seem to be a mystique about the Help desk types, as if you couldn't possibly replace them. The asperger's\ADHD help desk guy would actually be easy to replace. I guess they figure that they would just end up with another guy just like him. That may be true.
You don't want to go down that road. You cut your way through the thicket of forum laws to get at me, where will you hide when I turn round and come after you? No, you'd better wait the requisite number of posts and try again. For your own safety's sake.
Oh, and pbirmingham-I'm not going to fuck you. Or "pork" you.
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I CAUTION YOU / IN DEFEATING ORCS WE MAY FIND THE ONLY VILLAIN LEFT TO FACE IS OUR OWN PREJUDICE--qwantz.com
I have something positive to say about a coworker for once. The lady who sits across from my temporary seating space - pretty, Mediterranean looks with olive skin and dark wavy hair, busty - is wearing a skin-tight white top today. I thoroughly approve.
This thread has suddenly become useless without pictures.
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A parasite feeding on bacteria growing on fungus growing on cow excrement? The only way the parasitic chain could get any longer would be if the cow excrement worked for the government. - Smacky
I bet you guys don't have official documents like this at your jobs!
Quote:
Raising support for ministries other than [Missionary Organization] will create unnecessary issues and ambiguity for the administration. However, if the leading of the Holy Spirit is sensed by them in certain unusual situations, they can consult with the President of [Organization] for an approval.
I can't wait to type up the Board of Directors. I'm going to be so sad if Jesus isn't listed.
You should tell your boss that the Holy Spirit tells you that it's important that your company donate money to an organization that supports the production of pornographic art so that they'll be able to show the world how degenerate they are and how important it is to turn to God. Extra points if you can do it earnest enough to make him believe that you genuinely believe it.
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I CAUTION YOU / IN DEFEATING ORCS WE MAY FIND THE ONLY VILLAIN LEFT TO FACE IS OUR OWN PREJUDICE--qwantz.com
I bet you guys don't have official documents like this at your jobs!
Quote:
Raising support for ministries other than [Missionary Organization] will create unnecessary issues and ambiguity for the administration. However, if the leading of the Holy Spirit is sensed by them in certain unusual situations, they can consult with the President of [Organization] for an approval.
I can't wait to type up the Board of Directors. I'm going to be so sad if Jesus isn't listed.
WOW
I'd tend to want to slip a copy of that to either the ALCU or some atheist organization. It would be fun to watch the fireworks.
I'm really curious about the procedure for determining if one is "sensing" the "leading of the Holy Spirit." But what I really like is that the policy effectively says that The Revealed Will Of God is at least one tier below the president.
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A parasite feeding on bacteria growing on fungus growing on cow excrement? The only way the parasitic chain could get any longer would be if the cow excrement worked for the government. - Smacky
that is a curious office environment to say the least.
i'm very lucky to work where i do, at least in the sense that my immediate coworkers are all at least pretty cool, if not awesome.
on the down side, while i was gone a pigeon took up residence on my air conditioner. i also can't find all these neat early 2000s mixes i'd had went (mostly dj rupture stuff)
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"Yeah, but my character would be all swav and deboner." - Warren
I'd tend to want to slip a copy of that to either the ALCU or some atheist organization. It would be fun to watch the fireworks.
Well, it was the fundraising guidelines for a missionary charity for which we do all the bookkeeping. So it's not inappropriate for it to be religious. It was just cracking me up that the Holy Spirit was codified into the chain of command.
And now I am in a boring pointless meeting. But I am seated near another hot coworker, a shapely Indian girl with full lips and beautiful wavy hair, wearing a tight shirt. And a prominently displayed wedding ring. Goddamn. Oh well, it's not like getting involved with coworkers is a good idea anyway...but at least the scenery is nice in this office.
On the negative side, STFU NEEDY PEOPLE, I AM NOT YOUR PERSONAL ERRAND BOY. GET IN LINE WITH EVERYBODY ELSE WHO WANTS A PIECE OF MY TIME.
Ah yes, nothing like a pointless meeting to make you feel completely insignificant. What better way for a boss to make it clear that you're at the absolute bottom of every totem pole than to summon you to a meeting where he addresses personally everyone in the room but you.
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I CAUTION YOU / IN DEFEATING ORCS WE MAY FIND THE ONLY VILLAIN LEFT TO FACE IS OUR OWN PREJUDICE--qwantz.com
My coworker is still having difficulty navigating directories and modifying file permissions in Unix. Look...I know the learning curve is steep, but these are the utmost basic maneuvers in Unix. I feel like a jerk when I can hear the slight annoyance in my own voice, but come on! If you're going to bother me, have it be for something that you shouldn't be expected to know already.
And for blogsake, when I teach you how to do something, take notes the first time, so that I don't have to friggin' explain it to you twenty more fucking times!
I'm beginning to understand how my one evil, short-fused comp sci undergrad professor felt.
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A revolution without dancing is a revolution not worth having. - V
UNDERPANTS HAWK
DOES NOT DESIRE YOUR TOUCH
I long for the day that a chimp will ghost-ride someone's boomcar into a lake. - tymac
smacky: Oh, yesterday I was talking to a very non-technical user, and it's been a while since I felt that kind of helplessness. In a way, I couldn't get too angry, because the user wasn't stupid, she was just extremely, extremely nontechnical, to the point where you just have to say, "How does a young, educated professional in New York City not know the first thing about using computers or the web?" I mean, I'd ask things like, "OK, what program are you using?" and get an answer like, "Umm...'My Computer'?"
But now I really want to kill someone. For several days, our marketing people have been freaking out because one of their pages is not showing up in our web-analysis software. The guy responsible for the pages says he copied the tagging code from a working page. Of course I don't exactly have the luxury of dropping all my other projects to work on their stuff, so I have to give them what scraps of time I can, with them bellyaching the whole time. And of course they can't be bothered to tell me that stuff doesn't work until right before it goes live, you know? So today I finally get a chance to look at it and get some advice from one of our consultants, and I take a debugger to the page. And you know what? The guy copied the javascript code from the other page, BUT HE DIDN'T COPY THE FUCKING DATA THE CODE WORKS ON. YEAH, CODE WORKS REAL FUCKING WELL WITH NO VARIABLES DEFINED, MR. WEB DEVELOPER. THANKS FOR MAKING US ALL WASTE DAYS OF OUR TIME.
"Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind... I am ashamed to think how easily we capitulate to badges and names, to large societies and dead institutions.."-Emerson
OK, smart guy, how come you didn't explain the difference between rm -r and chmod -r and chmod -R, hmmmm?
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"But if it makes you feel better, I would also enjoy a world in which there are men, women, transsexuals, genderqueer folk, etc. who all enjoy pelican role-play." - JD
"Extraordinary conditions may call for extraordinary remedies. But the argument necessarily stops short of an attempt to justify action which lies outside the sphere of constitutional authority. Extraordinary conditions do not create or enlarge constitutional powers." - Chief Justice Charles Evans Hughes
OK, smart guy, how come you didn't explain the difference between rm -r and chmod -r and chmod -R, hmmmm?
Because that way, madcap antics ensue.
Besides, man.
Now, I have a word for the smart contractor at the office:
Smart Contractor, my boss and I have spoken, earnestly, of the fact that you are smart and conscientious, and that we'd like to hire you and make you our own.
BUT
When you do things like walking to my office to call me over to your desk to read off your screen an e-mail you got from info-security about failed logins, it makes me wonder if my boss and I are right about you.
Next time, just forward the damn e-mail and save us both the trip.
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"pimpin' ain't easy, especially when you're very bad at it and feel like you should be good at it." -- dhex
HOLY CHRIST DO I HATE OUR DEV GROUP. A while back they contact me about a problem with one of our sites; if you try and use the form submission page you get an error. Well, dumbasses, you can't just call the cgi script randomly, you have to be listed as a valid referer. OK, so I fix that one and let them know. They don't bother responding, but I see that they closed the tickets they had open on this issue.
Then, weeks later, some assclown starts whining about it. Needless to say, he does not bother to contact me directly, to explain exactly what the problem is, or to update the tickets. I just checked the site again, and it's working fine AFAICT, so I have no idea what his problem is, beyond dumbassery. Hey dev group, thanks for your stellar detective work. OH WAIT, YOU DIDN'T DO ANY; I DID ALL OF IT. THANKS FOR NOTHING, CAT TURDS.
Seriously, they make me want to run through the office with a katana beheading people.
That coworker I mentioned above -- the IT guy lacking the sense of social propriety? I stuck my head into a meeting room to ask him about an upcoming group bike outing that he was planning. An Asian man was in the room with him, sitting down at the table, and this IT guy was standing in front of a dry erase chalkboard that had "Friends with Benefits" written on it. I read the phrase aloud and raised an eyebrow at him, and he explained that he has to teach them colloquialisms so that there is no misunderstanding when hearing the phrase uttered by an American. :)
Apparently he is also an ESL assistant.
I see his point, but it was still a pretty funny scene to walk into. He's probably right, though...they'll never be able to navigate Craigslist casual encounters without learning this crucial phrase.
I'm not even going to mention what he was saying to the waitresses at the bar after the first group bike outing. What an asshole. :)
__________________
A revolution without dancing is a revolution not worth having. - V
UNDERPANTS HAWK
DOES NOT DESIRE YOUR TOUCH
I long for the day that a chimp will ghost-ride someone's boomcar into a lake. - tymac
That made me cry, and almost choke on my coffee. Literally. It was all I could do to keep it from going either into my lungs or onto my keyboard/screen.
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"But if it makes you feel better, I would also enjoy a world in which there are men, women, transsexuals, genderqueer folk, etc. who all enjoy pelican role-play." - JD
"Extraordinary conditions may call for extraordinary remedies. But the argument necessarily stops short of an attempt to justify action which lies outside the sphere of constitutional authority. Extraordinary conditions do not create or enlarge constitutional powers." - Chief Justice Charles Evans Hughes
Smacky - Thanks, I think. Being told you have the best workplace rants is kind of like having your doctor tell you that you have a really splendid example of a hideous disease...
But I don't think you would catch me writing "Friends With Benefits" on a whiteboard here. Way too much potential for awkwardness. I see what you mean about your IT guy's social skills, though.
OH GOD, HERBERT KORNFELD IS WALKING THROUGH MY AREA; MUST ESCAPE TO BATHROOM.
He was calling one of the waitresses "Nipple" (her name was "Nicole") and "Nips". He kept asking her to touch her elbows together behind her back. Also other sundry filthy things that I have blocked out of my mind.
Oh yeah...what he said about his friend's sister, in front of his friend (the one with the sister he was making comments about).
If we had been anywhere less trashy than Quaker Steak and Lube, I would have died on the spot.
__________________
A revolution without dancing is a revolution not worth having. - V
UNDERPANTS HAWK
DOES NOT DESIRE YOUR TOUCH
I long for the day that a chimp will ghost-ride someone's boomcar into a lake. - tymac
Oh yeah...what he said about his friend's sister, in front of his friend (the one with the sister he was making comments about).
there are plenty of critiques of patriarichal and parochial thinking along gender lines that i can dance with, but on the other hand you have to admit that sounds like a good case for typical male MUST SMASH behavior.
man, what a wankstain.
__________________
"Yeah, but my character would be all swav and deboner." - Warren
Oh yeah...what he said about his friend's sister, in front of his friend (the one with the sister he was making comments about).
there are plenty of critiques of patriarichal and parochial thinking along gender lines that i can dance with, but on the other hand you have to admit that sounds like a good case for typical male MUST SMASH behavior.
man, what a wankstain.
It wasn't anything like that. It was just pure filth. The thing that really bothered me is that his friend didn't seem to mind the incest jokes.
Quote:
quaker steak and lube?
Yeah, I don't get it, either. I didn't see lube or steak anywhere. That was the first (and, god willing, the only) time I've been there.
__________________
A revolution without dancing is a revolution not worth having. - V
UNDERPANTS HAWK
DOES NOT DESIRE YOUR TOUCH
I long for the day that a chimp will ghost-ride someone's boomcar into a lake. - tymac
Smacky - Thanks, I think. Being told you have the best workplace rants is kind of like having your doctor tell you that you have a really splendid example of a hideous disease...
I have flat feet. I went in to the podiatrist once to get some custom orthotics done (they used to be much worse than they are now). So I sit down on the table and the doctor comes in and looks at my foot. For about three seconds. Then he leaves.
I sit for a minute, and a really old doctor comes in dragging a really young doctor behind him. Old doctor picks up my foot, starts moving it around, and talking to the young doctor: "Yes, you see how it turns in here? And how when you do this, this happens? And look at where this muscle sits. This is a classic case of...."
Made me feel really good about my feet, let me tell you. Ah well, at least they were useful for something, even if the 'something' didn't involve 'letting me walk around comfortably.'
And hell, at least I knew that they knew what was going on.
I think it's time to tell the bond trader guy that the update you do for him every day is automated, and from now on he should only call if there is a problem with it.
I say this because when you're on vacation, I have plenty to do in the mornings without having to let him know that something that happens automatically has indeed happened, especially for the purpose of making you seem more indispensable.
(Seriously, this guy is more indispensable than I am, and he still does this. It's not even necessary for looking indispensible -- I automate things just because I can, brag about the stuff I used to do manually that now I don't have to do at all, and my boss loves me. If she had to get rid of one of us, I think the wise choice would be to keep the other guy, because he knows the accounting system inside and out, but I'm not sure that's what she'd do.)
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"pimpin' ain't easy, especially when you're very bad at it and feel like you should be good at it." -- dhex
I would generalize that last complaint to "Please, world, stop inventing new social-networking sites. I have plenty already without needing to join a new one every month."
I would generalize that last complaint to "Please, world, stop inventing new social-networking sites. I have plenty already without needing to join a new one every month."
I just stand athwart the thingummy and holler "stop" when it comes to that.
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"pimpin' ain't easy, especially when you're very bad at it and feel like you should be good at it." -- dhex
Mostly I do ignore them. It is not entirely trivial, though; sometimes it's almost like not having a phone these days. For the photography I do, a lot of the subjects are using MySpace as their site, or at least one of their sites (look up "Busty Springfield" on MySpace!) and I'm always getting asked, "Are you on MySpace?"
Today at work, the Social Committee* decided to circulate a "Thank You" card to the boss for everyone to sign. AFAIK, he hasn't done anything particularly noteworthy of late (beyond his usual backstabbing). Considering that about 40% of the workers would like to push him in front of a bus (or would at least not give him warning if they saw him about to step in front of one), it was a gag-inducing moment when the thing landed on my desk. Stalinism Lives! was my first thought.
Since I heartily detest the SOB, i didn't sign it, just ticked the circulation sheet and passed it off to the next of his loyal subjects staff.
TISSIWNE.
*A sure sign that your workplace is degenerate is the existence of a formal "Social Committee"
A parasite feeding on bacteria growing on fungus growing on cow excrement? The only way the parasitic chain could get any longer would be if the cow excrement worked for the government. - Smacky
Hold inane "events" where we can mingle and pretent we like each other. (Not quite fair, I do like some of my coworkers. The rest can step in front of the bus.)
All I want is for our FIX engine to be able to talk to NYFIX's FIX 4.2 hub. All I know is the IP number and the port for each of these machines.
You are the guys who do the routing tables. You are the guys who made it so I can't do a traceroute to figure out what the route is. So why in the hell are you asking me which firewall the rule is supposed to go on?
Does your dentist ask you the name of the tooth you want drilled?
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"pimpin' ain't easy, especially when you're very bad at it and feel like you should be good at it." -- dhex
Having set up Movable Type for another group here, most of what I've learned is that they have no idea what the fuck they want. They want a new setup, but they want the client they're demoing it for to be able to click on the old link, but it should go to the new URL, but it should look exactly like the old site...what the fuck ever. I wish I could tell them "go away and come back to me when you've figured out what you want", but I know they can't actually figure it out.
One of our users is complaining because the numbers from our two website-analysis packages don't match up. Now, I admit that some of this is our fault: having two analysis packages running on the same site is kind of dumb.
But it doesn't matter what I say about why they differ. This software looks at different things than the other, they have different robot/spider filtering, they use different definitions for visit and visitor, whatever. All the users care about is that if it says N in one piece of software, it should say N in the other. Anything else and they freak out and refuse to listen to any explanation. It's like dealing with goddamn autistic children or something.
But it doesn't matter what I say about why they differ. This software looks at different things than the other, they have different robot/spider filtering, they use different definitions for visit and visitor, whatever. All the users care about is that if it says N in one piece of software, it should say N in the other.
That's when you ask which answer they think is right, and offer to scrap the one that was wrong.
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"pimpin' ain't easy, especially when you're very bad at it and feel like you should be good at it." -- dhex
I'm doing elaborate productivity reports right now. This means I do things like tell people how many service tickets they failed to put into the system within an appropriate amount of time.
Inevitably, due to the environment I work in, the specs change to "Can we rephrase this so it shows the percentage of tickets that the employee DID enter on time?"
Fortunately, I've gotten to the point where I find this stuff amusing. Still, the temptation to include gold stars and smiley faces for the staff who were good little boys and girls is strong.
Goddamn, this bitch is dumb. I ask a very simple, straightforward question like "What is the name of the mailing list?" and I get back an answer like "This list is for blah blah blah. We set it up to do blah blah blah" not THIS IS THE FUCKING NAME. This stupid cow is extremely nontechnical, I know, and I'm starting to think she intentionally avoids questions she doesn't understand in order to hide how ignorant she is. Look, if you don't know, say "I don't know, please help me find out" instead of blowing smoke.
If I may speak for the non-techies: I get an awful lot of bafflegab from techs.
"We're going to up-push the AMDK system once the 3tMrS cycle is complete. Do not cross-migrate .ert files until the swingle is flamped."
I realize that techies haven't had time to complete their EFL (English as a First Language) courses, but if you could find someone who could translate into a language other than geek [sic], it would be appreciated.
Actually, everything you need to know is in that message, bullshit as it may be. Presumably you work with .ert files, or you wouldn't get the message. You know some process is about to run after some other process is finished, and that some sub-process must complete before you can muck around with .ert files. You don't have to understand these things. You just have to look for a way to find out when the swingle is flamped. This might entail asking somebody, but as an English major, this should be right up your alley. It involves language!
Seriously, this is how we operate when we're outside our own domains of expertise. You don't even see a tenth of the jargon we do, and there's another of order of magnitude more that we don't even know. But we know how to find out. It's the Secret Repository of Knowledge to Make Mere Mortals Feel Stupid, and as a favor to you, I'll even give you a a link to it right here.
__________________
This is a personal problem. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable use of high explosives. This is not one of those exceptions.
Seriously, this is how we operate when we're outside our own domains of expertise.
Well, it is when we still want to be polite. Otherwise, we're all "do not cross-migrate .ert files until further notice. Sorry for any inconvenience."
Or worse, two weeks later " Your .ert files are gone? You must have been cross-migrating them during the monthly AMDK up-push. Didn't you read the maintainence schedule?"
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"pimpin' ain't easy, especially when you're very bad at it and feel like you should be good at it." -- dhex
Actually, everything you need to know is in that message, bullshit as it may be. Presumably you work with .ert files, or you wouldn't get the message.
Ah. Your childlike innocence is touching.
For years, we used to get e-mails about luncheons being held later that week in our New Jersey headquarters, and what time to catch the bus to the venue where the room was being reserved. But eventually someone figured out that the NJ headquarters hasn't been the whole company for the past 78 years, and those messages either stopped or were more precisely targeted.
And for a while, the entire company used to get an e-mail announcement every time a trouble ticket affecting more than one person was opened, and every time it was closed.
But that stopped after a while too.
So perhaps, with patience, the idyllic state of receiving only relevant technical announcements will come to pass. :)
__________________
"My intellect is gigantic, monstrous, terrifying."
Presumably you know if you work with .ert files or not and can filter accordingly. If you don't know...you might want to ask somebody what it is ya do...around there.
__________________
This is a personal problem. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable use of high explosives. This is not one of those exceptions.
So you physically take the specifications from the customers?
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Whenever I catch so much as a glimpse of pr0n, I suddenly turn into a sex-crazed barbarian, slashing and clawing my way through whatever and whomever until I find something to put my weiner into. -- Taktix
Boy, I wish I could be in upper management! Then I could be out of the office half the time, and the other half the time I'd be giving random orders to change the functioning of various websites, and all my requests would be "emergencies"! After all, planning and documenting are for chumps!
Or maybe I could be one of my coworkers! After all, it wouldn't be a bright shiny day here if I could go as long as 15 seconds without being interrupted with a question, request, "emergency", etc. Then when my boss asked JD why no progress was getting made on projects, I could tell him about all of my fussy little requests!
Pursuant to my lovely job, I am currently part of a team that is constructing misery boxes (cubicles) in a corporate center. One floor is mostly done, although it won't be open for many more weeks. While eating my lunch, I was surprised by a group of people touring the building. I scrambled to get out of the way since food is technically forbidden there (no one obeys, but I figured it was still bad to get caught) and I wondered just who they were. It turns out they were the people that will be sitting in the cubicles, and they were inspecting their new cells.
The insane part is that they were excited. They were eager to see the little boxes where they will be forced to sit for long periods of time. I could understand morbid curiosity about their new confines, but happiness just blows my mind. It once again made me thankful that I don't have to work in a cube, even if it means having to put them together instead.
just think how bad their offices must currently be in order to consider the cube farm a step up.
the lovely HR people at my temp summer job screwed up my paperwork and attempted to deposit my pay to the checking account I used when I worked here 10 years ago, instead of the new direct deposit information I have them, but they decided not to give to the payroll deposit. If I had wanted that to happen, they never would have been able to do it.
and instead of fixing the problem immediately and apologizing, they offered to fix the problem in five days. then, the president forbade them from fixing the problem, so I get to wait two weeks for the next regular pay cycle to occur.
guess who will be attempting to find a different place to work next summer?
Some dumbass in optometry keeps calling my desk. How hard is it to dial a five-number extension?! She's done this like 4 or 5 times over the last couple weeks. Today she just hung up so that I wouldn't identify her as the dumbass in optometry, but I have caller ID and I know better.
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A revolution without dancing is a revolution not worth having. - V
UNDERPANTS HAWK
DOES NOT DESIRE YOUR TOUCH
I long for the day that a chimp will ghost-ride someone's boomcar into a lake. - tymac
I have mentioned this before, but I have enough strangers misdialing my cell phone, frequently enough, that I have given them entries in my phone's "phone book" and can thus identify them immediately whenever they call.
Dumb Ass
For Bob
Muttonfingers
Wrong Number (last called March 12 July 14)
Most of these people have been misdialing me since I got my cell phone about 3-4 years ago.
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"My intellect is gigantic, monstrous, terrifying."
Look, if you declare that I’m going to be the PI for this collaborative grant proposal, and then you keep coming to me and saying “But look what these other people did!” and what those other people did was in a different field with different equipment budget needs and different program time frames and different sites and different site costs and in a different era with a different level of competition for funding….well, it’s all I can do to avoid summarily punching you.
As to your other objection: “But nobody wants to participate if you do that!”
(1) “that” refers to something that’s written into the guidelines for what you said you want to apply for.
(2) There are in fact lots of people who want to do it--just not your your old cronies. If you and your old cronies aren’t so hot on applying for this then don’t apply for it! In fact, take advantage of some of the early retirement packages being offered! Your retirement pay would then be a problem for the University to solve, not the Department. The Department would replace you with somebody who earns what I earn and has a better research vision.
Yes, I know, one of your old cronies is a new hire. That doesn’t change the fact that this person is an old crony whose proposed project won’t be publishable even if it works perfectly, because it’s already been done before and this person admitted that the goal is simply to replicate the effect for senior lab. What? You don’t know how that person will find money otherwise? Well, it ain’t my problem.
Oh, and it would have been just super-duper if you had realized back in June that most of your preferred collaborators weren't interested, because then those of us who are interested could have gotten a head start on this. Instead, you hoarded control of this project until the deadline is looming.
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"the only thing worse than a freeper is a blue state freeper that doesn't realize they're a freeper." -dhex
Why, oh why, is everything a fight? I have a monstrous plan to deal with now, and they are demanding. Yes, I know it doesn't fit your preferred process, valued internal partner. Yes, I know it sucks. Yes, you have other things to do. Please just send me what I need.
Oh, crap, the ritual again? Yes, this was vetted in the sales process. Yes, everyone knows about it so far above your pay grade you can't find the people with the Hubble from your spot in the org chart. Yes, I'm responsible for managing client expectations. No what you are telling me is not something I can deliver as an expectation. No that won't work either. No, that won't work either. Yes, I really really need it. Yes that time frame is firm. I told you that I only give firm time frames and I've worked in all the wiggle room I can get you before you hear from me.
...
Yes, I still need it. No, I don't think that other guy is a better place to get it. Yes, I'd like to have a fully automated solution, too. No, I can't write that check and neither can you.
...
Yes, I went to your boss because you've been deferring this for two days and I'm afraid of not meeting my deliverable. Yes, that sucks. No, you shouldn't be surprised.
...
Wow, that is a raw data file that nobody could ever read. I need formatting that looks like this. No, I don't view making your output consumable by the public someone else's job. Yes, I've tried to find a formatting resource, but all fingers are pointing to your cube. I'd think you'd want to own this thing from end to end for quality control purposes. No, I don't think it's a good approach to say that my name is on it so end to end quality is my job alone.
...
Thanks for the thingie I needed. Yes, I see how above and beyond you went. No, I don't mind telling your boss that you got it done for the client. Wait, at the bottom of your email here you put in some weasel words about how your aren't promising to do this ever again. Are you serious?
Woohoo, we got another one! Yet another doctor who
a) writes us to complain about how much of his Precious Time is being wasted by spam (and by his own accounting, probably blowing as much time on writing the email as dealing with six months worth of spam would have)
b) asks why we aren't blocking email containing some extremely common, medically important term. Doctor Doofus here wants us to block email containing the word "pharmacy". Let us now take three seconds to consider why a hospital and medical school might not want to do that. For extra bonus points, he wants us to block email containing the word "free". Yup, because THAT word could never appear in a legitimate context.
Woohoo, we got another one! Yet another doctor who
For a second there, thought you were dhexesquely referring to the British science fiction TV series whose main character tends to "physically regenerate" every few seasons.
__________________
"My intellect is gigantic, monstrous, terrifying."
Somebody at the Gryllicon was talking about this. I guess it was JD.
EDIT: No, wait. I think it was in reference to Ellie's boss wanting to block all spam e-mails containing references to finance ... at his accounting firm. So either Ellie or Grylliade mentioned this. Same basic dunderheadedness, different industry. It's universal.
And I guess I "replied" to myself instead of "edited."
__________________
"My intellect is gigantic, monstrous, terrifying."
I want a spam filter that will block email from crackpots. The Physics Department should get a filter that blocks words like "fusion," "quantum," "relativity," "Einstein," "speed of light," etc.
__________________
"the only thing worse than a freeper is a blue state freeper that doesn't realize they're a freeper." -dhex
My favorite e-mail filtering story was when I had to explain to the maintenance crew that the reason they weren't receiving e-mails was because "cockroach" is one word.
My favorite e-mail filtering story was when I had to explain to the maintenance crew that the reason they weren't receiving e-mails was because "cockroach" is one word.
That reminds me of the student essay on why faculty shouldn't get "10 year status" because it makes them lazy.
Most of us were trying to figure out what's so special about year 10, when the big hurdle is tenure in year 6.
__________________
"the only thing worse than a freeper is a blue state freeper that doesn't realize they're a freeper." -dhex
For a second there, thought you were dhexesquely referring to the British science fiction TV series whose main character tends to "physically regenerate" every few seasons.
Oh, those guys are a pain. They show up, stay for like a week, and by the time they've left, ten people are dead and there's massive property damage...
My e-mail filter at work is told to block anything with "Community Service Fund" or "Social Committee" in the heading. Saves me endless aggravation just not to have to look at them in my in-box. I'm thinking of adding "Job Satisfaction" to the list.
Seriously, what is it with people? Even the relatively intelligent people here send me IMs like this:
Orker of Cows wrote:
hi
I saw your email about the XYZ system yesterday
but I'm getting a different error message now
And that's it. What, are we playing 20 Questions here? Why do I have to prompt everyone with "And what is the error message that you're getting?" Do they think I'm psychic? Do they require some kind of elaborate call-and-response? Do they not think the error message is important, even though this is what I ask them for every single time?
Durn yer hide, Shem, I was
Durn yer hide, Shem, I was so looking forward to subjecting you to 150 more posts of "cow-orking"...
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Stevo - Probably, but when you're only looking for something to do until three years from now...well, it has a certain appeal.
Shem - Depends how many other jockey's you're willing to toss under the bus so you can have the biggest cube with the most unhappy underlings.
Whenever I catch so much as a glimpse of pr0n, I suddenly turn into a sex-crazed barbarian, slashing and clawing my way through whatever and whomever until I find something to put my weiner into. -- Taktix
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
One of the IT guys who has been helping me out with various things recently, like setting up a new computer and transferring all my data from my old computer, was making small talk with me the other day that was very audible to everyone else in the small room I work in. He asked me within earshot of my coworkers if I've ever tried acid.
Why would you ask someone something like that at work? This guy seems pretty nice and generally smart for an IT person, but that's still awfully risqué small talk to be making at a job. Maybe he doesn't see his crappy IT job as a career, but I certainly can't say the same thing for my position. I mean, even if I had tried it-- as if I'm going to say so in front of my friggin' lab?! "Oh yeah, I love hard drugs!!!! They're the best!!". :P
My company doesn't even hire smokers anymore -- and that's official hiring policy.
Later that same day I overheard him in the cafeteria making a joke about Two Girls One Cup to another female who works in a different lab. Some people are just really clueless I guess.
A revolution without dancing is a revolution not worth having. - V
UNDERPANTS HAWK
DOES NOT DESIRE YOUR TOUCH
I long for the day that a chimp will ghost-ride someone's boomcar into a lake. - tymac
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Well, IT guys can be like that sometimes.
"First time I've gotten a programming job that required a drug test.
I was worried they were going to say 'you don't have enough LSD in
your system to do Unix programming'."
-- Paul Tomblin
As for me, I got called into my boss's office (with two other guys, so I knew it wasn't a chewing-out) at 4:15pm to be told, "We need to get a quote for new hardware for the web cluster by the end of today"!
Fortunately, that got amended to just "specs" instead of "quote", and actually I'm kind of happy about since it means some real progress is being made, but still.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Yeah, I've already told you about the tentacle porn fan that works IT help desk where I work. For reasons I imagine are similar, he is also quite loud as he assaults you with his outbursts. They sound like carbon copies of each other. Hey, at least he didn't tell you all about how Russian tanks rip off soldier's arms. My guy has had that conversation with me more times than I can count.
There does seem to be a mystique about the Help desk types, as if you couldn't possibly replace them. The asperger's\ADHD help desk guy would actually be easy to replace. I guess they figure that they would just end up with another guy just like him. That may be true.
Re: Durn yer hide, Shem, I was
So was I. Oh well, we can try again in another 144 posts.
All I ask is a good horse and a fair day.
Re: Durn yer hide, Shem, I was
Why wait? I say we give Shem the porking he deserves and start part 11 NOW.
"pimpin' ain't easy, especially when you're very bad at it and feel like you should be good at it." -- dhex
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
You don't want to go down that road. You cut your way through the thicket of forum laws to get at me, where will you hide when I turn round and come after you? No, you'd better wait the requisite number of posts and try again. For your own safety's sake.
Oh, and pbirmingham-I'm not going to fuck you. Or "pork" you.
I CAUTION YOU / IN DEFEATING ORCS WE MAY FIND THE ONLY VILLAIN LEFT TO FACE IS OUR OWN PREJUDICE--qwantz.com
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Get back to ork Shem
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
A Man for All Seasons reference. Nice.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Does this mean we can cut his head off? Didn't we just appoint the Urkobold "Lord High Executioner"?
But surely he'd be missed.
Yes, Shem would so be missed.
And he'd be very pissed.
But we've got Shem on the list.
And Urkobold's never missed.
All I ask is a good horse and a fair day.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
I have something positive to say about a coworker for once. The lady who sits across from my temporary seating space - pretty, Mediterranean looks with olive skin and dark wavy hair, busty - is wearing a skin-tight white top today. I thoroughly approve.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
This thread has suddenly become useless without pictures.
A parasite feeding on bacteria growing on fungus growing on cow excrement? The only way the parasitic chain could get any longer would be if the cow excrement worked for the government.
- Smacky
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
I bet you guys don't have official documents like this at your jobs!
I can't wait to type up the Board of Directors. I'm going to be so sad if Jesus isn't listed.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
You should tell your boss that the Holy Spirit tells you that it's important that your company donate money to an organization that supports the production of pornographic art so that they'll be able to show the world how degenerate they are and how important it is to turn to God. Extra points if you can do it earnest enough to make him believe that you genuinely believe it.
I CAUTION YOU / IN DEFEATING ORCS WE MAY FIND THE ONLY VILLAIN LEFT TO FACE IS OUR OWN PREJUDICE--qwantz.com
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
WOW
I'd tend to want to slip a copy of that to either the ALCU or some atheist organization. It would be fun to watch the fireworks.
All I ask is a good horse and a fair day.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
I'm really curious about the procedure for determining if one is "sensing" the "leading of the Holy Spirit." But what I really like is that the policy effectively says that The Revealed Will Of God is at least one tier below the president.
A parasite feeding on bacteria growing on fungus growing on cow excrement? The only way the parasitic chain could get any longer would be if the cow excrement worked for the government.
- Smacky
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
that is a curious office environment to say the least.
i'm very lucky to work where i do, at least in the sense that my immediate coworkers are all at least pretty cool, if not awesome.
on the down side, while i was gone a pigeon took up residence on my air conditioner. i also can't find all these neat early 2000s mixes i'd had went (mostly dj rupture stuff)
"Yeah, but my character would be all swav and deboner." - Warren
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Well, it was the fundraising guidelines for a missionary charity for which we do all the bookkeeping. So it's not inappropriate for it to be religious. It was just cracking me up that the Holy Spirit was codified into the chain of command.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
More importantly, is he on the org chart?
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
And now I am in a boring pointless meeting. But I am seated near another hot coworker, a shapely Indian girl with full lips and beautiful wavy hair, wearing a tight shirt. And a prominently displayed wedding ring. Goddamn. Oh well, it's not like getting involved with coworkers is a good idea anyway...but at least the scenery is nice in this office.
On the negative side, STFU NEEDY PEOPLE, I AM NOT YOUR PERSONAL ERRAND BOY. GET IN LINE WITH EVERYBODY ELSE WHO WANTS A PIECE OF MY TIME.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Ah yes, nothing like a pointless meeting to make you feel completely insignificant. What better way for a boss to make it clear that you're at the absolute bottom of every totem pole than to summon you to a meeting where he addresses personally everyone in the room but you.
I CAUTION YOU / IN DEFEATING ORCS WE MAY FIND THE ONLY VILLAIN LEFT TO FACE IS OUR OWN PREJUDICE--qwantz.com
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
My coworker is still having difficulty navigating directories and modifying file permissions in Unix. Look...I know the learning curve is steep, but these are the utmost basic maneuvers in Unix. I feel like a jerk when I can hear the slight annoyance in my own voice, but come on! If you're going to bother me, have it be for something that you shouldn't be expected to know already.
And for blogsake, when I teach you how to do something, take notes the first time, so that I don't have to friggin' explain it to you twenty more fucking times!
I'm beginning to understand how my one evil, short-fused comp sci undergrad professor felt.
A revolution without dancing is a revolution not worth having. - V
UNDERPANTS HAWK
DOES NOT DESIRE YOUR TOUCH
I long for the day that a chimp will ghost-ride someone's boomcar into a lake. - tymac
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
smacky: Oh, yesterday I was talking to a very non-technical user, and it's been a while since I felt that kind of helplessness. In a way, I couldn't get too angry, because the user wasn't stupid, she was just extremely, extremely nontechnical, to the point where you just have to say, "How does a young, educated professional in New York City not know the first thing about using computers or the web?" I mean, I'd ask things like, "OK, what program are you using?" and get an answer like, "Umm...'My Computer'?"
But now I really want to kill someone. For several days, our marketing people have been freaking out because one of their pages is not showing up in our web-analysis software. The guy responsible for the pages says he copied the tagging code from a working page. Of course I don't exactly have the luxury of dropping all my other projects to work on their stuff, so I have to give them what scraps of time I can, with them bellyaching the whole time. And of course they can't be bothered to tell me that stuff doesn't work until right before it goes live, you know? So today I finally get a chance to look at it and get some advice from one of our consultants, and I take a debugger to the page. And you know what? The guy copied the javascript code from the other page, BUT HE DIDN'T COPY THE FUCKING DATA THE CODE WORKS ON. YEAH, CODE WORKS REAL FUCKING WELL WITH NO VARIABLES DEFINED, MR. WEB DEVELOPER. THANKS FOR MAKING US ALL WASTE DAYS OF OUR TIME.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
cd
chmod
chown
How freaking hard is that?
"Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind... I am ashamed to think how easily we capitulate to badges and names, to large societies and dead institutions.."-Emerson
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
OK, smart guy, how come you didn't explain the difference between rm -r and chmod -r and chmod -R, hmmmm?
"But if it makes you feel better, I would also enjoy a world in which there are men, women, transsexuals, genderqueer folk, etc. who all enjoy pelican role-play." - JD
"Extraordinary conditions may call for extraordinary remedies. But the argument necessarily stops short of an attempt to justify action which lies outside the sphere of constitutional authority. Extraordinary conditions do not create or enlarge constitutional powers." - Chief Justice Charles Evans Hughes
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Because that way, madcap antics ensue.
Besides, man.
Now, I have a word for the smart contractor at the office:
Smart Contractor, my boss and I have spoken, earnestly, of the fact that you are smart and conscientious, and that we'd like to hire you and make you our own.
BUT
When you do things like walking to my office to call me over to your desk to read off your screen an e-mail you got from info-security about failed logins, it makes me wonder if my boss and I are right about you.
Next time, just forward the damn e-mail and save us both the trip.
"pimpin' ain't easy, especially when you're very bad at it and feel like you should be good at it." -- dhex
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
What IT is like sometimes.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
HOLY CHRIST DO I HATE OUR DEV GROUP. A while back they contact me about a problem with one of our sites; if you try and use the form submission page you get an error. Well, dumbasses, you can't just call the cgi script randomly, you have to be listed as a valid referer. OK, so I fix that one and let them know. They don't bother responding, but I see that they closed the tickets they had open on this issue.
Then, weeks later, some assclown starts whining about it. Needless to say, he does not bother to contact me directly, to explain exactly what the problem is, or to update the tickets. I just checked the site again, and it's working fine AFAICT, so I have no idea what his problem is, beyond dumbassery. Hey dev group, thanks for your stellar detective work. OH WAIT, YOU DIDN'T DO ANY; I DID ALL OF IT. THANKS FOR NOTHING, CAT TURDS.
Seriously, they make me want to run through the office with a katana beheading people.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
JD, you have the best workplace rants.
That coworker I mentioned above -- the IT guy lacking the sense of social propriety? I stuck my head into a meeting room to ask him about an upcoming group bike outing that he was planning. An Asian man was in the room with him, sitting down at the table, and this IT guy was standing in front of a dry erase chalkboard that had "Friends with Benefits" written on it. I read the phrase aloud and raised an eyebrow at him, and he explained that he has to teach them colloquialisms so that there is no misunderstanding when hearing the phrase uttered by an American. :)
Apparently he is also an ESL assistant.
I see his point, but it was still a pretty funny scene to walk into. He's probably right, though...they'll never be able to navigate Craigslist casual encounters without learning this crucial phrase.
I'm not even going to mention what he was saying to the waitresses at the bar after the first group bike outing. What an asshole. :)
A revolution without dancing is a revolution not worth having. - V
UNDERPANTS HAWK
DOES NOT DESIRE YOUR TOUCH
I long for the day that a chimp will ghost-ride someone's boomcar into a lake. - tymac
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
of course now we have to know what he was saying.
"Yeah, but my character would be all swav and deboner." - Warren
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
That made me cry, and almost choke on my coffee. Literally. It was all I could do to keep it from going either into my lungs or onto my keyboard/screen.
"But if it makes you feel better, I would also enjoy a world in which there are men, women, transsexuals, genderqueer folk, etc. who all enjoy pelican role-play." - JD
"Extraordinary conditions may call for extraordinary remedies. But the argument necessarily stops short of an attempt to justify action which lies outside the sphere of constitutional authority. Extraordinary conditions do not create or enlarge constitutional powers." - Chief Justice Charles Evans Hughes
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Smacky - Thanks, I think. Being told you have the best workplace rants is kind of like having your doctor tell you that you have a really splendid example of a hideous disease...
But I don't think you would catch me writing "Friends With Benefits" on a whiteboard here. Way too much potential for awkwardness. I see what you mean about your IT guy's social skills, though.
OH GOD, HERBERT KORNFELD IS WALKING THROUGH MY AREA; MUST ESCAPE TO BATHROOM.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
He was calling one of the waitresses "Nipple" (her name was "Nicole") and "Nips". He kept asking her to touch her elbows together behind her back. Also other sundry filthy things that I have blocked out of my mind.
Oh yeah...what he said about his friend's sister, in front of his friend (the one with the sister he was making comments about).
If we had been anywhere less trashy than Quaker Steak and Lube, I would have died on the spot.
A revolution without dancing is a revolution not worth having. - V
UNDERPANTS HAWK
DOES NOT DESIRE YOUR TOUCH
I long for the day that a chimp will ghost-ride someone's boomcar into a lake. - tymac
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
quaker steak and lube?
there are plenty of critiques of patriarichal and parochial thinking along gender lines that i can dance with, but on the other hand you have to admit that sounds like a good case for typical male MUST SMASH behavior.
man, what a wankstain.
"Yeah, but my character would be all swav and deboner." - Warren
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
It wasn't anything like that. It was just pure filth. The thing that really bothered me is that his friend didn't seem to mind the incest jokes.
Yeah, I don't get it, either. I didn't see lube or steak anywhere. That was the first (and, god willing, the only) time I've been there.
A revolution without dancing is a revolution not worth having. - V
UNDERPANTS HAWK
DOES NOT DESIRE YOUR TOUCH
I long for the day that a chimp will ghost-ride someone's boomcar into a lake. - tymac
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
that's what i'm saying; the friend shoulda dragged him out back.
"Yeah, but my character would be all swav and deboner." - Warren
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Yeah, you're probably right about that. I don't think I would have been so casual about it if I were his friend.
I bet he'd deliver a memorable best man speech at a wedding reception.
A revolution without dancing is a revolution not worth having. - V
UNDERPANTS HAWK
DOES NOT DESIRE YOUR TOUCH
I long for the day that a chimp will ghost-ride someone's boomcar into a lake. - tymac
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
I have flat feet. I went in to the podiatrist once to get some custom orthotics done (they used to be much worse than they are now). So I sit down on the table and the doctor comes in and looks at my foot. For about three seconds. Then he leaves.
I sit for a minute, and a really old doctor comes in dragging a really young doctor behind him. Old doctor picks up my foot, starts moving it around, and talking to the young doctor: "Yes, you see how it turns in here? And how when you do this, this happens? And look at where this muscle sits. This is a classic case of...."
Made me feel really good about my feet, let me tell you. Ah well, at least they were useful for something, even if the 'something' didn't involve 'letting me walk around comfortably.'
And hell, at least I knew that they knew what was going on.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Dear officemate who is on vacation:
I think it's time to tell the bond trader guy that the update you do for him every day is automated, and from now on he should only call if there is a problem with it.
I say this because when you're on vacation, I have plenty to do in the mornings without having to let him know that something that happens automatically has indeed happened, especially for the purpose of making you seem more indispensable.
(Seriously, this guy is more indispensable than I am, and he still does this. It's not even necessary for looking indispensible -- I automate things just because I can, brag about the stuff I used to do manually that now I don't have to do at all, and my boss loves me. If she had to get rid of one of us, I think the wise choice would be to keep the other guy, because he knows the accounting system inside and out, but I'm not sure that's what she'd do.)
"pimpin' ain't easy, especially when you're very bad at it and feel like you should be good at it." -- dhex
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Holy crap! I got sigged! I'm honored pbirmingham.
If you don't want to be arrested by the Park Police, don't go to the Jefferson Memorial.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
No problem, Mo, it was an awesome quote and I'm glad to bask in its reflected glory.
Now, to my co-workers:
Please quit friending me on Facebook! I have LinkedIn for you guys!
Of course, now that my boss has done it, I am sort of corn-holed. It's time to learn more about limited profiles, I guess.
"pimpin' ain't easy, especially when you're very bad at it and feel like you should be good at it." -- dhex
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
I would generalize that last complaint to "Please, world, stop inventing new social-networking sites. I have plenty already without needing to join a new one every month."
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
I just stand athwart the thingummy and holler "stop" when it comes to that.
"pimpin' ain't easy, especially when you're very bad at it and feel like you should be good at it." -- dhex
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
you could just ignore them.
i don't even think i've seen facebook.
"Yeah, but my character would be all swav and deboner." - Warren
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
I've been link driven to myspace pages, probably facebook ones as well. That would be it.
♫And the man at the back
said everyone attack
and it turned into a ballroom blitz♫
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Mostly I do ignore them. It is not entirely trivial, though; sometimes it's almost like not having a phone these days. For the photography I do, a lot of the subjects are using MySpace as their site, or at least one of their sites (look up "Busty Springfield" on MySpace!) and I'm always getting asked, "Are you on MySpace?"
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Today at work, the Social Committee* decided to circulate a "Thank You" card to the boss for everyone to sign. AFAIK, he hasn't done anything particularly noteworthy of late (beyond his usual backstabbing). Considering that about 40% of the workers would like to push him in front of a bus (or would at least not give him warning if they saw him about to step in front of one), it was a gag-inducing moment when the thing landed on my desk. Stalinism Lives! was my first thought.
Since I heartily detest the SOB, i didn't sign it, just ticked the circulation sheet and passed it off to the next of his
loyal subjectsstaff.TISSIWNE.
*A sure sign that your workplace is degenerate is the existence of a formal "Social Committee"
All I ask is a good horse and a fair day.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
TISSIWNE?
A parasite feeding on bacteria growing on fungus growing on cow excrement? The only way the parasitic chain could get any longer would be if the cow excrement worked for the government.
- Smacky
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Um ... THIS ISN'T SPARTA! SLAVISH INGRATIATION WILL NEVER END! ?
"My intellect is gigantic, monstrous, terrifying."
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
There Is Some Shit I Will Not Eat.
All I ask is a good horse and a fair day.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
what else does the social committee do?
"Yeah, but my character would be all swav and deboner." - Warren
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
I bet they oversee denunciations of employees by their co-workers. That's the only way it could be suitably Orwellian.
I CAUTION YOU / IN DEFEATING ORCS WE MAY FIND THE ONLY VILLAIN LEFT TO FACE IS OUR OWN PREJUDICE--qwantz.com
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Hold inane "events" where we can mingle and pretent we like each other. (Not quite fair, I do like some of my coworkers. The rest can step in front of the bus.)
All I ask is a good horse and a fair day.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
I guessed "This Is So Stupid It Warrants No Explanation".
I'm usually pretty good at acronyms. *sigh*
♫And the man at the back
said everyone attack
and it turned into a ballroom blitz♫
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Network dudes across the street:
All I want is for our FIX engine to be able to talk to NYFIX's FIX 4.2 hub. All I know is the IP number and the port for each of these machines.
You are the guys who do the routing tables. You are the guys who made it so I can't do a traceroute to figure out what the route is. So why in the hell are you asking me which firewall the rule is supposed to go on?
Does your dentist ask you the name of the tooth you want drilled?
"pimpin' ain't easy, especially when you're very bad at it and feel like you should be good at it." -- dhex
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Having set up Movable Type for another group here, most of what I've learned is that they have no idea what the fuck they want. They want a new setup, but they want the client they're demoing it for to be able to click on the old link, but it should go to the new URL, but it should look exactly like the old site...what the fuck ever. I wish I could tell them "go away and come back to me when you've figured out what you want", but I know they can't actually figure it out.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
One of our users is complaining because the numbers from our two website-analysis packages don't match up. Now, I admit that some of this is our fault: having two analysis packages running on the same site is kind of dumb.
But it doesn't matter what I say about why they differ. This software looks at different things than the other, they have different robot/spider filtering, they use different definitions for visit and visitor, whatever. All the users care about is that if it says N in one piece of software, it should say N in the other. Anything else and they freak out and refuse to listen to any explanation. It's like dealing with goddamn autistic children or something.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
That's when you ask which answer they think is right, and offer to scrap the one that was wrong.
"pimpin' ain't easy, especially when you're very bad at it and feel like you should be good at it." -- dhex
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
I'm doing elaborate productivity reports right now. This means I do things like tell people how many service tickets they failed to put into the system within an appropriate amount of time.
Inevitably, due to the environment I work in, the specs change to "Can we rephrase this so it shows the percentage of tickets that the employee DID enter on time?"
Fortunately, I've gotten to the point where I find this stuff amusing. Still, the temptation to include gold stars and smiley faces for the staff who were good little boys and girls is strong.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Goddamn, this bitch is dumb. I ask a very simple, straightforward question like "What is the name of the mailing list?" and I get back an answer like "This list is for blah blah blah. We set it up to do blah blah blah" not THIS IS THE FUCKING NAME. This stupid cow is extremely nontechnical, I know, and I'm starting to think she intentionally avoids questions she doesn't understand in order to hide how ignorant she is. Look, if you don't know, say "I don't know, please help me find out" instead of blowing smoke.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
If I may speak for the non-techies: I get an awful lot of bafflegab from techs.
"We're going to up-push the AMDK system once the 3tMrS cycle is complete. Do not cross-migrate .ert files until the swingle is flamped."
I realize that techies haven't had time to complete their EFL (English as a First Language) courses, but if you could find someone who could translate into a language other than geek [sic], it would be appreciated.
All I ask is a good horse and a fair day.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Actually, everything you need to know is in that message, bullshit as it may be. Presumably you work with .ert files, or you wouldn't get the message. You know some process is about to run after some other process is finished, and that some sub-process must complete before you can muck around with .ert files. You don't have to understand these things. You just have to look for a way to find out when the swingle is flamped. This might entail asking somebody, but as an English major, this should be right up your alley. It involves language!
Seriously, this is how we operate when we're outside our own domains of expertise. You don't even see a tenth of the jargon we do, and there's another of order of magnitude more that we don't even know. But we know how to find out. It's the Secret Repository of Knowledge to Make Mere Mortals Feel Stupid, and as a favor to you, I'll even give you a a link to it right here.
This is a personal problem. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable use of high explosives. This is not one of those exceptions.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Well, it is when we still want to be polite. Otherwise, we're all "do not cross-migrate .ert files until further notice. Sorry for any inconvenience."
Or worse, two weeks later " Your .ert files are gone? You must have been cross-migrating them during the monthly AMDK up-push. Didn't you read the maintainence schedule?"
"pimpin' ain't easy, especially when you're very bad at it and feel like you should be good at it." -- dhex
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Ah. Your childlike innocence is touching.
For years, we used to get e-mails about luncheons being held later that week in our New Jersey headquarters, and what time to catch the bus to the venue where the room was being reserved. But eventually someone figured out that the NJ headquarters hasn't been the whole company for the past 78 years, and those messages either stopped or were more precisely targeted.
And for a while, the entire company used to get an e-mail announcement every time a trouble ticket affecting more than one person was opened, and every time it was closed.
But that stopped after a while too.
So perhaps, with patience, the idyllic state of receiving only relevant technical announcements will come to pass. :)
"My intellect is gigantic, monstrous, terrifying."
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Presumably you know if you work with .ert files or not and can filter accordingly. If you don't know...you might want to ask somebody what it is ya do...around there.
This is a personal problem. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable use of high explosives. This is not one of those exceptions.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
So you physically take the specifications from the customers?
Whenever I catch so much as a glimpse of pr0n, I suddenly turn into a sex-crazed barbarian, slashing and clawing my way through whatever and whomever until I find something to put my weiner into. -- Taktix
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Boy, I wish I could be in upper management! Then I could be out of the office half the time, and the other half the time I'd be giving random orders to change the functioning of various websites, and all my requests would be "emergencies"! After all, planning and documenting are for chumps!
Or maybe I could be one of my coworkers! After all, it wouldn't be a bright shiny day here if I could go as long as 15 seconds without being interrupted with a question, request, "emergency", etc. Then when my boss asked JD why no progress was getting made on projects, I could tell him about all of my fussy little requests!
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
While not exactly my coworkers...
Pursuant to my lovely job, I am currently part of a team that is constructing misery boxes (cubicles) in a corporate center. One floor is mostly done, although it won't be open for many more weeks. While eating my lunch, I was surprised by a group of people touring the building. I scrambled to get out of the way since food is technically forbidden there (no one obeys, but I figured it was still bad to get caught) and I wondered just who they were. It turns out they were the people that will be sitting in the cubicles, and they were inspecting their new cells.
The insane part is that they were excited. They were eager to see the little boxes where they will be forced to sit for long periods of time. I could understand morbid curiosity about their new confines, but happiness just blows my mind. It once again made me thankful that I don't have to work in a cube, even if it means having to put them together instead.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
just think how bad their offices must currently be in order to consider the cube farm a step up.
the lovely HR people at my temp summer job screwed up my paperwork and attempted to deposit my pay to the checking account I used when I worked here 10 years ago, instead of the new direct deposit information I have them, but they decided not to give to the payroll deposit. If I had wanted that to happen, they never would have been able to do it.
and instead of fixing the problem immediately and apologizing, they offered to fix the problem in five days. then, the president forbade them from fixing the problem, so I get to wait two weeks for the next regular pay cycle to occur.
guess who will be attempting to find a different place to work next summer?
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Some dumbass in optometry keeps calling my desk. How hard is it to dial a five-number extension?! She's done this like 4 or 5 times over the last couple weeks. Today she just hung up so that I wouldn't identify her as the dumbass in optometry, but I have caller ID and I know better.
A revolution without dancing is a revolution not worth having. - V
UNDERPANTS HAWK
DOES NOT DESIRE YOUR TOUCH
I long for the day that a chimp will ghost-ride someone's boomcar into a lake. - tymac
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
I have mentioned this before, but I have enough strangers misdialing my cell phone, frequently enough, that I have given them entries in my phone's "phone book" and can thus identify them immediately whenever they call.
Dumb Ass
For Bob
Muttonfingers
Wrong Number (last called
March 12July 14)Most of these people have been misdialing me since I got my cell phone about 3-4 years ago.
"My intellect is gigantic, monstrous, terrifying."
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Been there, done that. There are much worse forms of office architecture than modular cubicles.
♫And the man at the back
said everyone attack
and it turned into a ballroom blitz♫
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
This is the current floor plan over at our place:
We used to occupy two floors of an office building, but there was a lot of wasted space, so we consolidated on one floor. This is much more efficient.
"My intellect is gigantic, monstrous, terrifying."
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Look, if you declare that I’m going to be the PI for this collaborative grant proposal, and then you keep coming to me and saying “But look what these other people did!” and what those other people did was in a different field with different equipment budget needs and different program time frames and different sites and different site costs and in a different era with a different level of competition for funding….well, it’s all I can do to avoid summarily punching you.
As to your other objection: “But nobody wants to participate if you do that!”
(1) “that” refers to something that’s written into the guidelines for what you said you want to apply for.
(2) There are in fact lots of people who want to do it--just not your your old cronies. If you and your old cronies aren’t so hot on applying for this then don’t apply for it! In fact, take advantage of some of the early retirement packages being offered! Your retirement pay would then be a problem for the University to solve, not the Department. The Department would replace you with somebody who earns what I earn and has a better research vision.
Yes, I know, one of your old cronies is a new hire. That doesn’t change the fact that this person is an old crony whose proposed project won’t be publishable even if it works perfectly, because it’s already been done before and this person admitted that the goal is simply to replicate the effect for senior lab. What? You don’t know how that person will find money otherwise? Well, it ain’t my problem.
Oh, and it would have been just super-duper if you had realized back in June that most of your preferred collaborators weren't interested, because then those of us who are interested could have gotten a head start on this. Instead, you hoarded control of this project until the deadline is looming.
"the only thing worse than a freeper is a blue state freeper that doesn't realize they're a freeper." -dhex
hoisted by their own waterboard!
-dhex
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Why, oh why, is everything a fight? I have a monstrous plan to deal with now, and they are demanding. Yes, I know it doesn't fit your preferred process, valued internal partner. Yes, I know it sucks. Yes, you have other things to do. Please just send me what I need.
Oh, crap, the ritual again? Yes, this was vetted in the sales process. Yes, everyone knows about it so far above your pay grade you can't find the people with the Hubble from your spot in the org chart. Yes, I'm responsible for managing client expectations. No what you are telling me is not something I can deliver as an expectation. No that won't work either. No, that won't work either. Yes, I really really need it. Yes that time frame is firm. I told you that I only give firm time frames and I've worked in all the wiggle room I can get you before you hear from me.
...
Yes, I still need it. No, I don't think that other guy is a better place to get it. Yes, I'd like to have a fully automated solution, too. No, I can't write that check and neither can you.
...
Yes, I went to your boss because you've been deferring this for two days and I'm afraid of not meeting my deliverable. Yes, that sucks. No, you shouldn't be surprised.
...
Wow, that is a raw data file that nobody could ever read. I need formatting that looks like this. No, I don't view making your output consumable by the public someone else's job. Yes, I've tried to find a formatting resource, but all fingers are pointing to your cube. I'd think you'd want to own this thing from end to end for quality control purposes. No, I don't think it's a good approach to say that my name is on it so end to end quality is my job alone.
...
Thanks for the thingie I needed. Yes, I see how above and beyond you went. No, I don't mind telling your boss that you got it done for the client. Wait, at the bottom of your email here you put in some weasel words about how your aren't promising to do this ever again. Are you serious?
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Shut up and row. this galley's got to be in Ostia by tomorrow! ;)
All I ask is a good horse and a fair day.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Woohoo, we got another one! Yet another doctor who
a) writes us to complain about how much of his Precious Time is being wasted by spam (and by his own accounting, probably blowing as much time on writing the email as dealing with six months worth of spam would have)
b) asks why we aren't blocking email containing some extremely common, medically important term. Doctor Doofus here wants us to block email containing the word "pharmacy". Let us now take three seconds to consider why a hospital and medical school might not want to do that. For extra bonus points, he wants us to block email containing the word "free". Yup, because THAT word could never appear in a legitimate context.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
For a second there, thought you were dhexesquely referring to the British science fiction TV series whose main character tends to "physically regenerate" every few seasons.
"My intellect is gigantic, monstrous, terrifying."
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Yeah, I guess it would be a bad idea for a medical school to block emails with words like cialis, viagra, vicodin, etc.
"the only thing worse than a freeper is a blue state freeper that doesn't realize they're a freeper." -dhex
hoisted by their own waterboard!
-dhex
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Somebody at the Gryllicon was talking about this. I guess it was JD.
"My intellect is gigantic, monstrous, terrifying."
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Somebody at the Gryllicon was talking about this. I guess it was JD.
EDIT: No, wait. I think it was in reference to Ellie's boss wanting to block all spam e-mails containing references to finance ... at his accounting firm. So either Ellie or Grylliade mentioned this. Same basic dunderheadedness, different industry. It's universal.
And I guess I "replied" to myself instead of "edited."
"My intellect is gigantic, monstrous, terrifying."
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
I want a spam filter that will block email from crackpots. The Physics Department should get a filter that blocks words like "fusion," "quantum," "relativity," "Einstein," "speed of light," etc.
"the only thing worse than a freeper is a blue state freeper that doesn't realize they're a freeper." -dhex
hoisted by their own waterboard!
-dhex
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
My favorite e-mail filtering story was when I had to explain to the maintenance crew that the reason they weren't receiving e-mails was because "cockroach" is one word.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
That reminds me of the student essay on why faculty shouldn't get "10 year status" because it makes them lazy.
Most of us were trying to figure out what's so special about year 10, when the big hurdle is tenure in year 6.
"the only thing worse than a freeper is a blue state freeper that doesn't realize they're a freeper." -dhex
hoisted by their own waterboard!
-dhex
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Oh, those guys are a pain. They show up, stay for like a week, and by the time they've left, ten people are dead and there's massive property damage...
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
The cock roach crows at midnight. and dawn.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
If I ever stay anywhere for 10 years, I am so going to use that.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
My e-mail filter at work is told to block anything with "Community Service Fund" or "Social Committee" in the heading. Saves me endless aggravation just not to have to look at them in my in-box. I'm thinking of adding "Job Satisfaction" to the list.
All I ask is a good horse and a fair day.
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
If I could make my own e-mail filter at work, I would probably have it block anything with "Important Corporate Announcement" in the subject line.
Instead of ignoring it manually like I do now.
"My intellect is gigantic, monstrous, terrifying."
Re: Co-workers suck 10: the madness stays ended.
Seriously, what is it with people? Even the relatively intelligent people here send me IMs like this:
And that's it. What, are we playing 20 Questions here? Why do I have to prompt everyone with "And what is the error message that you're getting?" Do they think I'm psychic? Do they require some kind of elaborate call-and-response? Do they not think the error message is important, even though this is what I ask them for every single time?